Albert and the Lion

Tony first heard ALBERT AND THE LION recited by his father, though he learned his text from a recording by Stanley Holloway, music hall performer extraordinaire. It is perhaps the best known of the Holloway monologues, and has delighted millions around the world.

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool
That's noted for fresh air and fun
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad were young Albert
All dressed in his best, quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

Well, they didn't think much of the ocean,
The waves they was piddlin' and small
There were no wrecks and nobody drownded
In fact, nothin' to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
There were lions and tigers and camels
And old ale and sandwiches, too.

Now there were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
And he lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of 'is face on t' bars.

Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions
'Ow they was ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little fellow
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And shoved it in Wallace's ear.

Well, you could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
'E pulled Albert inside cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad - 'ole!

Then Pa, who 'ad seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said, Hey Mother, yon lion's ate Albert
And Mother said, Well, I am vexed.

So Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the animal keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

Pa said, Right's right, young fellow
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
After we paid to come in.

Well, the keeper were quite nice about it
He said , What a nasty mis'ap
Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?
Pa said, Am I sure? There's 'is cap!

Well, the manager 'ad to be sent for
'E came and 'e said, What's to-do?
Pa said, Yon lion's ate Albert
And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!

Well, the manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse straight away
He said, 'Ow much to settle the matter?
Pa said, What do you usually pay?

But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward
When she thought where 'er Albert 'ad gone
And she said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!
So that was decided upon.

So off they went to the police station
In front of the Magistrate chap
And they told what 'ad 'appened to Albert
And proved it by showing 'is cap.

Well, the Magistrate gave 'is opinion
That no one was really to blame
And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms
Would 'ave further sons to their name.

Well, at that Mother got proper blazin'
And thank you, sir, kindly, said she
What, waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!

© Golden Hind Music