There was this king sitting in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown, and his money, and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said, "Hey, listen kiddo
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right I'll do it, but I'll have to do it crafty
So that no will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty."
So with all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he isn't ready for obligatory killing,
He tries to make the king think that he's tuppence off the shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Denmark's a bloody jail,
Then a troupe of traveling actors like Seven Eighty-Four,
Arrive to do a special one-night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting barmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating
Wonders if the ghost's a cheat, and that is why he's waiting.
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact,
So Horatio and he could watch and see if Claudius cracked,
Well, the play was called "The Mousetrap" (not the one that's running now)
And sure enough the king walked out before the play was through.
Now Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit one,
Uncle Claud takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
Then Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair
When Laertes heard his dad had been killed in the arras
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot-foot from Paris
And Ophelia with her dad killed by the one she was to marry
After saying it with flowers, she committed hari-kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet, no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet, learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him that men, good or bad, at last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost his place and was demanding retribution
The king said, "Keep your head and I'll provide you a solution."
So he arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
To make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet, but Laertes went and muffed it
'Cause he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet's mommy drank the wine and as her face was turning blue,
Hamlet said, "I beliece the king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane," he said, to be precise
And made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice
Because he stabbed him with his knife, then forced the wine between his lips
He said, "The rest is silence." That was Hamlet had his chips
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And Fortinbras, knee deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, ain't it gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
If you thought that was confusing, you should read the bloody play.